OH FATHER, MY FATHER

Oh Father

Since you left this earth
It's been a long walk back to you.
Was that your twinkle I spotted in the eyes of a small boy
Your reflection in my crystal glass?
I carry on a reverent search.
When will we meet again?

My Father

Scavenging through the pages of our history together
I look for something to hold on to.
I love to listen to your song,
Told through the taut strings of an instrument.
But I am never sure if I have found you there.
I was too young.

For Father

I fear I did not know you well enough
When fate put a fork in our paths.
Perhaps the man you were eluded me.
I long to know you now in ways I could not then.
To walk with you, hand in hand.

But Father

The confidence you tried to endow is behind me now
and I cannot live up to the assurance that you had.
I have strayed from the path you laid before me.
Doubts encircle me like dark spots after a photograph
Blinded, I continue to search.

So Father

I have borrowed from your courage
I hope you'll understand
It has come to this.  I have fallen into unseen pits.
Will you lend me your audacity that I might become
untangled of these wayward vines so wrapped around my every movement?

Dear Father

Though the night is long
I keep a vigil going,  my door ajar
and with each breeze, my heart flutters in anticipation
Could this be the moment he is returned to me in full?

Yes Father

I lost my way. I lost my way.
Estranged sometimes, groping frantically for any sign
I asked, Have you seen him? Did you know him? Can you point me
in the right direction?
And like the many spokes on a wheel
the helpful fingers sent me reeling,
but I did not find you. You were not there.

Then Father

Then the stillness came
and there the truth unveiled itself.
It was you in the sound of the waves upon the shore
Staring back from the still whiteness of the new-fallen snow.
Your breath was in the wind against my cheeks.
I had lifted every rock and inspected every crevice,
peered through forests and over ledges,
but you were not in the search.
You were in the silence.

And Father

In the moment when I stilled my heart
I felt you near - your pulse with mine
And then I knew, you were always there.
You were always there.

The stillness held the knowledge of you and kept it safe,
unharmed for all these years
and I rejoiced.  A quiet exultation - my lungs expanding
with the certainty of one who has what they have come for...
I'm ready now, my journey to continue
With open eyes.
No hand to hold, but I understand
The threat was an illusion, and Your Love, too grand. 

Oh Father, My Father

Copyright Rachel Roggio, 1995