BEFORE
It is one day before my 40th high school reunion… did I say 40th? Ooo…..
It has been a week of looking in the mirror and seeing things differently. Noticing (even though I’ve been looking in mirrors every day for 40 years) that I didn’t have this chin in 1969. And the weight issue, well it’s a touchy one, even for blogs. I just hope no one drops their jaw and says, who did you say you were? There are other things to think about, like what should I wear? How do you prepare to spend an evening with people you knew from the ages of five to eighteen, when you’re all in your 6th decade now?
I’ve been coloring my hair for years, but if it was less than perfect it never bothered me before. Yet at a time like this, you only get one shot. You may not ever see these folks again! Do you want them to picture a spot of gray smack in the middle of the forehead every time they think of you from here on in?
This is getting annoying. Why go to a 40th reunion anyway? I ask myself. Won’t it be fun? I reply, to reconnect with some people you knew before the world shifted on its axis? Before so many realities changed, and the real world came crashing in on you without a hint of warning?
I’ve also spent some time this week looking through the old yearbook, and I see so many names and faces that I don’t remember. The question pops up in my mind, just how conscious was I in high school? Who are these people? Flipping the pages, running through names. Hmm. I think I remember her. She’s on the list and she’ll be there. Was I nice to her? I can only hope…
Maybe it would be better to just not go, rather than ruin my chances to live on in someone’s memory as a thin, sprightly young girl. Wait –there’s my censor. Haven’t you lived a life worth standing by, worth sharing… so many ups and downs, so many lessons, some disappointments and a million blessings along the way….After all, the wisdom I’ve gained didn’t always come easy, and I if I know anything, I know that a lifetime of experiences is a treasure worth more than everything else.
“Maybe you’ll fall in love,” says a well-intentioned, long distance friend. Well, I can’t afford to miss this if “maybe I’ll fall in love.” But I’m uncertain, I mean, what does romantic love at 58 look like? Because the only image I conjure up is that of two people who have been together for a very long time. Who know each other’s history. Now if it isn’t that, then what? A different kind of love? A “spiritual partnership?” I like the sound of those words, but this is oh so confusing….
I’ll go to my reunion. I’ll connect with some people, and we’ll share our paths and maybe, some lighthearted moments too. Perhaps a new friendship will come out of it, and maybe I’ll fall in love.
Ah, my mind wanders, what color lipstick should I wear? I mean, after all, I may not see many of these people again, and this could be my last impression...
Ah, the things we worry about--and in the end it's usualy all for nothing. You are still YOU--hopefully at 58 we've gotten past the shallow concerns that so mattered 50 years ago--and have learned to trust ourselves. I guess that is what is known as "confidence". You bring more to the table than grey hair, clothes, and physical presence. Those who see only that aren't worth being remembered by.
ReplyDeleteAs to falling in love, well, thats arbitrary. Most of our classmates are married, some are grandparents. I see all too often that marriages tend to evolve with loss of passion, a comfortable resignation of two people who accept their friendship and ask nothing more. Do I want that at this point? No, I'm not sure I do. As a single/divorced childless woman, I've had a life with no regrets and a freedom that few can understand. It has all come with responsibility, and there has been love along the way. I cannot foresee what lies ahead, fate will determine my future. If there is love again, then it will come with discovery, patience and self revelation. I can also edit how that poem will be written if I choose, and know that what I bring to the table is worthy.
Enjoy the reunion, and know that your presence will be part of the cherished memories of this weekend!
Rach- I can remember us sending notes and notes and notes back and forth to each other all through Jr. Hi. Do you remember that? You were always my confidant.....You have changed. You are not that naive girl that I knew once. You have evolved into a beautiful, mature woman who looks at the world in wonderful way-- one with great observation, sincerity and kindness. You have so changed, thank God! Can you imagine being stuck in a time warp of 1969- worried about so much nonsense that we worried about as teenagers? We can color our hair, we can loose the weight, (or get it sucked out!), or get new clothes. But the bottom line is that you are "better" now than that girl I once knew. You are a warm, caring, intelligent, spiritual, and loving individual. I'm glad we reconnected, I've missed you.
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